self hate

self-hate takes a while to heal. and before one can love other people, they have to love themselves first. the relationships we have today are because of things that were left unsaid.


me scout

I grew up basking in my parents’ love and the most stubborn little girl I knew. My dad called me scout after Jean Louise Finch of Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird. I  had a combative streak but I loved everyone and believed everyone was good. I dreamed I was going to change the world. Then life happened. I am still combative but I don’t end arguments with fist fights. i still love people and still believe they are generally good, but do recognize that human beings are capable of greater evil than they know themselves.

I have never backed down from a fight or a dare for my pains. It is this same trait that makes it impossible for me to say sorry. When I do say sorry, I really mean it. For the past decade that aspect of me had disappeared. Like I said, life happened. I became bitter and rarely saw the good in people. I had a job i loved which ended up being unsatisfactory because of structural problems and value differences in management. I ended up hating going to work. The old Fadz would rear her combative head once in a while but with time she too disappeared. After I had heard one too many times that this was my lot and I had to content with it, I took a vow that I would reclaim myself, take back what was mine. And what is mine is me myself and I.

When we apply labels to people, we take away their humanity. I am a person first, a woman mother, sister and daughter after. It is saddening that the self gets lost over time and we become time punchers, living from day to day just getting by. If I am happier with myself I will also make other people happy.

I am taking back tomorrow. I am taking back what’s mine.