self hate

self-hate takes a while to heal. and before one can love other people, they have to love themselves first. the relationships we have today are because of things that were left unsaid.

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me scout

I grew up basking in my parents’ love and the most stubborn little girl I knew. My dad called me scout after Jean Louise Finch of Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird. I  had a combative streak but I loved everyone and believed everyone was good. I dreamed I was going to change the world. Then life happened. I am still combative but I don’t end arguments with fist fights. i still love people and still believe they are generally good, but do recognize that human beings are capable of greater evil than they know themselves.

I have never backed down from a fight or a dare for my pains. It is this same trait that makes it impossible for me to say sorry. When I do say sorry, I really mean it. For the past decade that aspect of me had disappeared. Like I said, life happened. I became bitter and rarely saw the good in people. I had a job i loved which ended up being unsatisfactory because of structural problems and value differences in management. I ended up hating going to work. The old Fadz would rear her combative head once in a while but with time she too disappeared. After I had heard one too many times that this was my lot and I had to content with it, I took a vow that I would reclaim myself, take back what was mine. And what is mine is me myself and I.

When we apply labels to people, we take away their humanity. I am a person first, a woman mother, sister and daughter after. It is saddening that the self gets lost over time and we become time punchers, living from day to day just getting by. If I am happier with myself I will also make other people happy.

I am taking back tomorrow. I am taking back what’s mine.